Not everyone is always, just as you cannot expect me to be.
But, what we can do is keep trying, every minute of every day to remain in alignment with our own individual always, the truth of who we are, so that trust can build again.
I have never been good at “friends”. My best years were from K-4, and then she moved to Puerto Rico, without warning, and I was ruined. She didn’t even give me a hint. She just gone. I didn’t know where she went and nothing made sense.
She was with me every day, laughed at all the same things, and listened to my sad whispers. My mother did what she could, but she was a single mother of three, one with a disability. My friend made me laugh, protected me (because I was, and am still, fun sized), and made me feel like I was cool enough to be in Dance Club with all of the other popular girls, even if the Dance teacher made it clear that you should quit.
It was only years later that I found out her mother took her to Puerto Rico to get away from her Dad.
I didn’t know.
All that time I was angry. And in a moment, because I knew the truth of it all, my anger vanished. Thoughts flickered from infinite forgiveness to compassion, concern and ache. Ache because I knew, in my heart that I betrayed “friendship”. I should have trusted. I should have stayed open.
The older I got, the more contracted I became in my heart. I trusted no one. I would pretend to, really, really well. But I never really let anyone in. As I got older, my heart hardened. Why be vulnerable? Why be open? Abandonment.
I am learning not to live in such a defensive way. In fact, the bricks are crumbling. I am finally learning that what my friend taught me, was that the deep connection I was looking for was within me. Always. I vibrate with it, I can hear it sing back to me when I am quiet enough to hear.
Now, I make time for her, my Soul. I sit, and sing to her. I close my eyes and see her. I give her the time and space to grow from a hologram to reality. Sometimes, I can hold her in reality for a moment. Sometimes, I smile and wave at her, all in white, with a golden light around her. With a purely compassionate love, I send her on ahead of me so my understanding of her, can catch up to her, in this life.
She always has and always will be with me.
P.S. I am part of an training women’s group, Aquarian Women’s Leadership Society. A small part of this membership includes a monthly (lunar based) Kriya. I emphasize small because the benefits of this group are incredibly deep when combined with the rest of their offerings. The online Facebook group alone is worth considering. Regardless of what’s talked about, it’s a place where women are unashamedly vulnerable, fearless, and supportive at the same time. If you’ve lived a life without that as a woman, and I’ll never drink coffee again so long as I live. That’s what I thought. That alone, is priceless. I believe, that consistent pouring of vulnerability amongst women in my field of vision on a daily basis has helped me chip away at my defenses.
When what you learn growing up is to never let anyone see you suffer, when suffering in silence, but, be sure to smile, is the call of the day, the online group is worth it’s weight in gold.
Last month, they offered a Kriya that I did most days. You can do this 2-3 times a week, or every day as a challenge. I found the actual kriya set, Meditation on the Self online from 3HO (although in the training group, it’s called The Warrior’s Heart, and I know this is what’s been softening me.
The mind is given to you to use in self-expansion. But you do not channel it or capture it; it runs wild on old thought patterns and habits. If you cannot have the mind when you need it, it is useless. The function of mind is not just to spew out random thoughts! It is to fashion etheric elements into forms of energy that manifest through the earthly elements.
If you do work this Kriya know this about the length of time. I would love to hear what comes up for you. I chose 40 days:
40 Days: Practice every day for 40 days straight. This will break any negative habits that block you from the expansion possible through the kriya or mantra.
90 Days: Practice every day for 90 days straight. This will establish a new habit in your conscious and subconscious minds based on the effect of the kriya or mantra. It will change you in a very deep way.
120 Days: Practice every day for 120 days straight. This will confirm the new habit of consciousness created by the kriya or mantra. The positive benefits of the kriya get integrated permanently into your psyche.
1000 Days: Practice every day for 1000 days straight. This will allow you to master the new habit of consciousness that the kriya or mantra has promised. No matter what the challenge, you can call on this new habit to serve you.
I’ve been to this laptop so many times over the last couple weeks. I have banged on the keys in anger, frustration, and vindication. Only this morning, because I can’t hold anymore, I shared what I am going through on a live Instagram post. Maybe speaking would lift this gag order from my fingertips.
I stay silent because I don’t want to offend, even though I am the offended one.
I stay silent because I don’t want to let others know that they’ve hurt me, even though that’s part of the energy exchange. One sets out to hurt, and the other is hurt. Why have I hid my part of that equation?
I stay silent because I don’t think I deserve to speak. Because I’ve never spoken.
I stay silent because if I share, then the truth of it is out. Even though the release from the weight is so sublime.
I stay silent because it’s what I was taught. Even though I don’t teach that to anyone who knows me (unless you count my actions).
I stay silent because confrontation scares me. I revert to a child with no power, no voice, no perspective. Confrontation doesn’t mean yelling and screaming. It means “I do not accept this”.
I stay silent because I didn’t give myself the right to take up space. Even though it is my gift to cherish. I can take up space.
I stay silent because I didn’t want my boys to see their mother freak out. Even though, they should see their mother standing up for herself.
I stayed silent because I didn’t recognize that I was a warrior.
And that warrior, has taken off her blindfold and is ready to stand, shine, and elevate.
I live with and try to thrive in spite of depression*. A long time ago I decided it didn’t matter if it is genetic (my grandmother lived with it, and was in therapy for 20 years. I only found out after her death) or circumstantial (insert various emotional, physical and psychological traumas here). For me, it doesn’t help in the wrangling of it.
Last Monday, I had a doctor appointment to discuss the dosage of my medication. We decided to halve it. No, I decided to halve it. I am meditating every day, going to yoga most days, and sometimes doing two classes a day. I consume a vegan diet, drink all the filtered lemon water I can, and recently have added more foods that are as close to their natural state as possible. I felt lighter and brighter than I had in a long time since adding Kundalini into my daily routine. I even looked different. One of my closest friends said “you look relaxed but fierce”.
So why not cut my medication in half and work towards eliminating it completely? I’ve tried coming off of medication before, so I know what I am in for. My head feels like it has these random electric shocks. They don’t hurt so much as it feels as if my brain skips a pulse. I figured with the tools I’d had been using, I was prepared for it.
The cliff dive off of my steady vibe was something that didn’t even cross my radar.
Exactly 6 days later, I woke up and instead of greeting the day with my usual Sat Nam three times as I place my feet on the floor, I silently groaned. I have to wake up? I have to get out of my bed? Why? And then I rolled over and fell back to sleep.
And in hindsight, this is how I know. The blackness on the periphery of everything I see, even when I closed my eyes to it. My depression is rearing it’s ugly, but all too familiar, head.
In the moment, my subconscious takes over. You’re being lazy. What the hell is wrong with you? Why can’t you stay awake? Why are you so tired? Snap out of it. Stop being dramatic. Why can’t you keep up? When will you ever be good enough?”
Within the subconscious mind sits many of the mysteries of your self which contains unconscious thoughts, unknown desires, traumatic memories, etc. The goal is to bring that which is in the shadow of the mind to the light in order to integrate and learn from. Without awareness, a person is subject to acting on subconscious thoughts without fully being aware of their actions.
I can now say that I understand my depression from the perspective of awareness. Last night, I began to wake up, so to speak. I went shopping for some last minute items, and wrapped my head in a scarf, Householder Style. I just wanted to practice my technique in preparation for this weekend’s camping trip. I was also reading up on the significance of wearing a headwrap or turban. According to 3HO:
Head coverings of any kind are useful for a meditative practice. Turbans in particular are useful for holding energy in, and for creating a meditative focus at the third eye point (brow point). In addition, the turban provides a nice cranial adjustment. Some teachers wear a turban or head covering for these yogic reasons alone.
The skull is made up of tiny bones that are constantly moving even if only by micromillimeters and the degree to which they move impacts levels of calmness or anxiety. Covering the head stabilizes the cerebral matter and the 26 parts of the brain, which are interlocked with the neurological system and electromagnetic field.
The benefit of wearing a turban is that when you wrap the 5 to 7 layers of cloth, you cover the temples, which prevents any variance or movement in the different parts of the skull. A turban automatically gives you a cranial self-adjustment. You can pay for a cranial adjustment, or you can tie a turban for free!
I thought about cranial adjustment, and wondered if there could be any connection and possibly kickstart my real self back into gear, instead of listening to my subconscious on a loop.
A quick Google search and I found this from Dr. Axe:
Given that the craniosacral system includes structures of the central nervous system — the skull, cerebrospinal fluid, the membranes of the brain and the spinal cord — it’s not surprising that CST can have a positive impact on mood regulation, pain tolerance, stress response and relaxation. The musculoskeletal system, vascular system, endocrine system and sympathetic/parasympathetic nervous systems all influence activities of the craniosacral system.
Sat Kriya works primarily on the lower triangle—the first, second, and third chakras. The lower triangle corresponds to the earliest stages of our human development, with the first chakra especially relating to birth, infancy, and the issues of fundamental security, being-ness, and belonging. Sat Kriya, in working on the lower triangle, has the power to excavate deeply entrenched wounds from our early life. That’s why it’s often recommended for healing mental and psychological imbalances.
When I was finished, I began to cook dinner for the kids and process. Moving about from cabinet to refrigerator, turning the dial under the huge pasta pot, I was humbled. I was humbled by my depression. I gained clarity around how it shows up. My depression disguises itself as self-doubt and unworthiness. So I beat myself up about being less than, more and more every day until I can’t see my fierce and relaxed self anymore.
As the water in the pot started to boil, I thought to myself, how would I talk to my children about this, if they came to me with this problem? About feeling unworthy, knowing that they live with depression? I wouldn’t tell them to snap out of it, or that they just need to get over it. So why couldn’t I do the same for myself?
Why didn’t I?
Because I didn’t know. I wasn’t aware that this is how this pattern played itself out time and again in my life. Why couldn’t I apply the same compassion and care that I give to those that I love, to myself? I could. I should. I will.
There is nothing wrong with you except one thing: you undermine yourself. You don’t need anybody else’s strength. You are the prayer, and you are the power. The moment you put yourself down, you forget the existence of God. – Yogi Bhajan
I believe that practicing Kundalini has helped to bring me clarity around who I am through the depression. I am so grateful for this practice, these teachings, and the gift of my shadow self aka my depression brought me: humility, awareness and self compassion, especially during this eclipse season.
You are the most powerful creation ever created. – Guru Jugat
*This is a personal blog. As such, it contains opinions and reflections that are expressly my own. Any and all information I post is true to the best of my knowledge, but there may be omissions, mistakes, or errors. This blog is for entertainment and/or informational purposes only and shouldn’t be seen as any kind of advice because I’m not a professional. I’m just a friend, sharing my shit.
Over the last few days, I’ve changed my Instagram bio 4 times. Have you noticed? Of course not. No one would.
I’ve been meditating on the question “Who am I really?” When I meditate on a question, or chew on something, I call it my macro-meditation.
Let’s age ourselves, shall we? In Excel, back in the day, if you wanted to automate tasks, you created something called a macro. When you created a macro, the computer recorded keystrokes and mouse clicks that made your life so much easier because you were working on spreadsheets for 40 hours a week.
Back to my meditation.
In this dwelling place where the computer is my brain and the recorded keystrokes are the answers to the question I am working with.
Who am I really, to uncover that I am a wife. To uncover that I am a mother. To uncover that I am Puerto Rican American. To uncover that I am a friend. To uncover that I am a yogi. To uncover that I am an opera singer. To uncover that I am a tarot reader. To uncover that I am a teacher. To uncover that I am afraid. To uncover that I am insecure. To uncover that I am on and on and on and on…
to then “poof”! Nothing.
What is that? The me behind the me. What is that like?
And I carry this essence created by my macro-meditation beside me like a friend while I go about my day, make meals for my family, pick up prescriptions, go to yoga, study, bake cookies for the kids, and wash dishes, you get the picture.
Where do I go with this essence? Who will understand it? Who can help me nourish it, and care for it? Help it grow? How do I even explain it? Are there others who understand without my trying to put it into words? Wait. Are there others?
Are there others?
There are. They are in communities with other women. Other women who remember the oath their mothers and grandmothers before them made to one another to hold space for the essence. To listen and not judge. To share without fear of withholding the empathy our essence needs. To cry. No. Not just to cry, but to cry without feeling like you have to say sorry. Because you don’t. There are no apologies here, only acceptance, and deep commitment to your life’s path, your essence’s evolution. We need to be cradled in such a way that we can receive healing energy, and not always be the one that gives it.
This idea had been shifting around my consciousness like an etch a sketch shook clean. Last night, I watched a live stream of Guru Jugat give a talk for RA MA TV. Guru Jugat spoke of women in community, and how we need one another because we are created to handle the unique and special energy that we create. There was more to it, obviously, but to say this (totally over simplified and generalized because I’m not watching it again to transcribe it #sorrynotsorry) statement resonated with me, would be an understatement. Watch it. I was belly laughing in bed, good.
And in case you thought there wasn’t a ton of saving grace in this week’s astrology, check it out: a Venus/Pluto trine, also exact on the day of the eclipse. Even under the somewhat alienating auspices of this Aquarian moon, we’re unlikely to feel completely alone in all of this, because when Venus harmonizes with Pluto, it’s easier to share our shame, fears, and worries with others — and even nudge each other along on the path to rebirth. You might be processing a lot right now, and you might, like the water bearer, need to steal off to the river alone to do so. Just know that there’s a village waiting for you when you get back.
I still don’t know what my bio could say. I haven’t found anything that can encapsulate it. Maybe I shouldn’t even care that much. But when I’m given the task of trying to succinctly subscribe who I am, I go blank. I don’t know who I am yet. I haven’t figured it out.
Gather round, “Ladies and gentlemen: the story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.”
It takes a long time to get here. Almost 41 years, but I can tell you from this side, it’s worth the wait.
A new friend, let’s call her Mary, helped me to uncover a massive, mammoth, boulder in the way of my souls’ evolution. All she had to do was be willing to be my trigger. I can’t thank her enough.
I am a classically trained opera singer. I struggle with the talent. Growing up, I felt like my parents used my music as a form of currency with me. You see, I was supposed to be a cash cow. I was supposed to travel the world and rake in all the Maria Callas cash. When I decided that I wanted to do something “regular” like drop out of college because I could no longer afford it, and file bank statements at a private brokerage firm, they were different.
I’ve abandoned music and demanded acceptance in spite of it. There’s more to the deterioration of my extended family relationships, but that’s not what this is about.
I was on a call with Mary, and she very nonchalantly asked me if I was still singing. I said I wasn’t. She said that “I should because it brings people peace”. We talked about other things, and we weren’t on Skype long. After the call I was incredibly offended.
I tried to relay the conversation to my husband but I didn’t know how. I couldn’t put any of it into words. Mary didn’t say anything at all to offend, but inside I was reeling! Not even my husband could figure out why I was so irritated, and he’s always ready to side with me. When I repeated parts of our conversation outside of the trigger, he just shook his head and gave me the HUH?!
I couldn’t make sense of it either. I tried numerous times to make mountains out of molehills by scrutinizing what she said, turning it all inside out so I didn’t have to deal with the real issue.
I didn’t speak to Mary for three months. I spent three months of me mulling this over, chewing on it, and trying to get the colors to line up in my mental Rubik’s cube. A mutual friend of ours, let’s call her Suzanne, kept at me, saying that she knew I made a mistake about ghosting Mary. How Mary still asks about me, and how I should just let it go and try again. It only made me dig my heels in. I wasn’t ready to figure this out.
The opportunity to be triggered (it always comes down to whether I allow it or not, actually), was a great gift. I finally understand, as many times as I’ve heard it, that relationships are mirrors that hold up your reflection, warts and all.
I was able to hold the truth of myself in Mary’s reflection, that I was supremely talented and she had to tell me to share it with the world. When I finally allowed my defenses to come down, I saw myself in Mary’s reflection.
I became curious about the trigger as the catalyst for my reaction. Why was I irritated with Mary, exactly? What was it that she said that sent me over the edge? In this curiosity, there was freedom. Freedom from others’ (Hi Mom and Dad!) egotistical need to put me into their box (turns out that they do this because they are playing small, and don’t know how to do, or be, anything else.).
With this freedom, I relieved myself from years of caked on residue from my childhood and adolescence that I thought I dealt with. In this freedom, I realized that my fuck-ups became listen-ups, and I replaced my anger in that moment, with the calm recognition of my trigger and what lied beneath.
Acceptance of myself.
Next time this trigger presents itself, I will recognize it. I will put my defense weapons down, open my hands, and allow raw self-acceptance to wash over me. To feel what accepting myself is intended to make me feel. Safe.
Now I understand, on a deep, soul level, that music is my birthright and no one else’s commodity. My musical gifts have been lavished upon me to share with others.
I didn’t realize that I was creating a really magical summer school sitch for myself, as I was gobbling up all the goodness being offered this summer. Turns out, I wasn’t looking at the timing, just making sure that I signed up for what interested me. They’re all kicking off, or have already kicked off this summer!
From Divination to Muggle Studies, I’ve been busy. I thought I would share what I am studying / fascinated / obsessed with should you feel called to do the same.
Lindsay Mack has offered some intensive workshops for tarot the last couple of months. Trauma and the Tarot, The Court Cards, The Swords, and Court Card Immersion. You cannot sign up for these, as they won’t be back until next year. I wouldn’t leave you high and dry though. She is close to opening enrollment for her full 8 week course, Tarot for the Wild Soul. Tarot for the Wild Soul runs from September 6th – October 25th, 2018 and enrollment for the course opens to the public on July 24th. I was going to take it, but made a last minute swap after speaking with my guidance counselor (aka intuition). You’ll see what I mean. If you are interested, I would highly recommend taking her course!
The interface is super intuitive, they provide downloads with a syllabus, recommended book list broken out by how far along on your plant medicine journey you are on, and a private Facebook group. The content is easily digestible and here’s the best part, in my opinion anyway: you can’t move on to the next unit in the course, unless you have an 80% or above on each quiz. Now, can I get an amen! Only the serious need apply here.
If you aren’t ready to invest in this course (i.e. you are overloaded with summer plans – in a good way – and maybe would rather wait till the fall to start, check out this FREE mini-course offering: <a href=”http://Free Becoming an Herbalist Mini Course“>Becoming an Herbalist. Enrollment opens July 19th!!
The Daily Hunch Academy. I found Steph like you find anyone else who’s super into the stars (is that even true?), on Instagram. I loved her feed because all of her forecasts were so spot on for me. When she said she was offering The Daily Hunch Academy, I was bummed because I missed enrollment. I kept up with her, and when she opened enrollment again, I jumped on it.
The content is super broken down and easy to navigate, but I think the assignments are the most fun. I don’t want to spill the tea here, because I hate spoilers. Needless to say, her assignments have brought the heavenly bodies down to earth and made me laugh at myself while doing it. She also shares a preview on her site and I snagged that to keep me satiated as I waited for enrollment to open! It looks like you can still register for this 4 month, well-paced-because-astrology-is-really-hard course so if you’re interested, I’ll see you in the private Facebook group for this!
Um, so, your girl is so deep into this Kundalini shhh that it’s crazy. I took a workshop, and loved it. Then whatever-whatever happened (read up!) and I didn’t go back. Zoom to three months later, I went back to a workshop on intuition and 👏let👏me👏tell👏you👏 I am on a high like no other. So much so, that I took the money that I budgeted for the Tarot for The Wild Soul course, that I have been saving up for for months, MONTHS! and applied it to the Aquarian Women Leadership Society Experience, August 3-5.
Brooklyn is going camping!!! No-air-conditioning-using-the-bath-house-near-the-cafeteria camping.
My Kundalini teacher, Devi Ananda, are going to road trip it for almost four hours and spend 3 days in upstate New York learning with Guru Jugat, and meeting others from all over the world! Yoga, meditation, talks, breakout sessions, s’mores? YES!!!
I’ve signed up for RA MA TV, and get to the studio early, just to practice.
We also purchased Guru Jugat’s book, Invincible Living and have been carrying around with us everywhere. I did the green diet on the last new moon and lost enough weight to kickstart my body into gear. I’ve only gained two pounds back so I am still under the 140 mark (which is a big difference in how it makes my back feel) and haven’t been here since last year. What? What’s the green diet? Why on the New Moon? GET THE BOOK. Required reading for my summer school!
If you want to audit my magical summer school sesh, follow them all on Instagram, turn on notifications and see what happens. See if anything resonates. Then, tell me all about what you think!
What are you interested in lately?
* Disclosure: Some of the links above are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. I only recommend what I use and love.