Not everyone is always, just as you cannot expect me to be.
But, what we can do is keep trying, every minute of every day to remain in alignment with our own individual always, the truth of who we are, so that trust can build again.
I have never been good at “friends”. My best years were from K-4, and then she moved to Puerto Rico, without warning, and I was ruined. She didn’t even give me a hint. She just gone. I didn’t know where she went and nothing made sense.
She was with me every day, laughed at all the same things, and listened to my sad whispers. My mother did what she could, but she was a single mother of three, one with a disability. My friend made me laugh, protected me (because I was, and am still, fun sized), and made me feel like I was cool enough to be in Dance Club with all of the other popular girls, even if the Dance teacher made it clear that you should quit.
It was only years later that I found out her mother took her to Puerto Rico to get away from her Dad.
I didn’t know.
All that time I was angry. And in a moment, because I knew the truth of it all, my anger vanished. Thoughts flickered from infinite forgiveness to compassion, concern and ache. Ache because I knew, in my heart that I betrayed “friendship”. I should have trusted. I should have stayed open.
The older I got, the more contracted I became in my heart. I trusted no one. I would pretend to, really, really well. But I never really let anyone in. As I got older, my heart hardened. Why be vulnerable? Why be open? Abandonment.
I am learning not to live in such a defensive way. In fact, the bricks are crumbling. I am finally learning that what my friend taught me, was that the deep connection I was looking for was within me. Always. I vibrate with it, I can hear it sing back to me when I am quiet enough to hear.
Now, I make time for her, my Soul. I sit, and sing to her. I close my eyes and see her. I give her the time and space to grow from a hologram to reality. Sometimes, I can hold her in reality for a moment. Sometimes, I smile and wave at her, all in white, with a golden light around her. With a purely compassionate love, I send her on ahead of me so my understanding of her, can catch up to her, in this life.
She always has and always will be with me.
P.S. I am part of an training women’s group, Aquarian Women’s Leadership Society. A small part of this membership includes a monthly (lunar based) Kriya. I emphasize small because the benefits of this group are incredibly deep when combined with the rest of their offerings. The online Facebook group alone is worth considering. Regardless of what’s talked about, it’s a place where women are unashamedly vulnerable, fearless, and supportive at the same time. If you’ve lived a life without that as a woman, and I’ll never drink coffee again so long as I live. That’s what I thought. That alone, is priceless. I believe, that consistent pouring of vulnerability amongst women in my field of vision on a daily basis has helped me chip away at my defenses.
When what you learn growing up is to never let anyone see you suffer, when suffering in silence, but, be sure to smile, is the call of the day, the online group is worth it’s weight in gold.
Last month, they offered a Kriya that I did most days. You can do this 2-3 times a week, or every day as a challenge. I found the actual kriya set, Meditation on the Self online from 3HO (although in the training group, it’s called The Warrior’s Heart, and I know this is what’s been softening me.
The mind is given to you to use in self-expansion. But you do not channel it or capture it; it runs wild on old thought patterns and habits. If you cannot have the mind when you need it, it is useless. The function of mind is not just to spew out random thoughts! It is to fashion etheric elements into forms of energy that manifest through the earthly elements.
If you do work this Kriya know this about the length of time. I would love to hear what comes up for you. I chose 40 days:
40 Days: Practice every day for 40 days straight. This will break any negative habits that block you from the expansion possible through the kriya or mantra.
90 Days: Practice every day for 90 days straight. This will establish a new habit in your conscious and subconscious minds based on the effect of the kriya or mantra. It will change you in a very deep way.
120 Days: Practice every day for 120 days straight. This will confirm the new habit of consciousness created by the kriya or mantra. The positive benefits of the kriya get integrated permanently into your psyche.
1000 Days: Practice every day for 1000 days straight. This will allow you to master the new habit of consciousness that the kriya or mantra has promised. No matter what the challenge, you can call on this new habit to serve you.