Leaving it Blank

Over the last few days, I’ve changed my Instagram bio 4 times. Have you noticed? Of course not. No one would.

I’ve been meditating on the question “Who am I really?” When I meditate on a question, or chew on something, I call it my macro-meditation.

Macro Meditation Who am I really Currently Cristina.jpg

Let’s age ourselves, shall we? In Excel, back in the day, if you wanted to automate tasks, you created something called a macro. When you created a macro, the computer recorded keystrokes and mouse clicks that made your life so much easier because you were working on spreadsheets for 40 hours a week.

Back to my meditation.

In this dwelling place where the computer is my brain and the recorded keystrokes are the answers to the question I am working with.

Who am I really, to uncover that I am a wife. To uncover that I am a mother. To uncover that I am Puerto Rican American. To uncover that I am a friend. To uncover that I am a yogi. To uncover that I am an opera singer. To uncover that I am a tarot reader. To uncover that I am a teacher. To uncover that I am afraid. To uncover that I am insecure. To uncover that I am on and on and on and on…

to then “poof”! Nothing.

What is that? The me behind the me. What is that like?

And I carry this essence created by my macro-meditation beside me like a friend while I go about my day, make meals for my family, pick up prescriptions, go to yoga, study, bake cookies for the kids, and wash dishes, you get the picture.

Where do I go with this essence? Who will understand it? Who can help me nourish it, and care for it? Help it grow? How do I even explain it? Are there others who understand without my trying to put it into words? Wait. Are there others?

Are there others?

There are. They are in communities with other women. Other women who remember the oath their mothers and grandmothers before them made to one another to hold space for the essence. To listen and not judge. To share without fear of withholding the empathy our essence needs. To cry. No. Not just to cry, but to cry without feeling like you have to say sorry. Because you don’t. There are no apologies here, only acceptance, and deep commitment to your life’s path, your essence’s evolution. We need to be cradled in such a way that we can receive healing energy, and not always be the one that gives it.

This idea had been shifting around my consciousness like an etch a sketch shook clean. Last night, I watched a live stream of Guru Jugat give a talk for RA MA TV. Guru Jugat spoke of women in community, and how we need one another because we are created to handle the unique and special energy that we create. There was more to it, obviously, but to say this (totally over simplified and generalized because I’m not watching it again to transcribe it #sorrynotsorry) statement resonated with me, would be an understatement. Watch it. I was belly laughing in bed, good.

Before sitting down at my laptop, I read this (and highly recommend you do the same) from Steph at The Daily Hunch about the Lunar Eclipse in Aquarius and Mercury Retrograde in Leo happening this week:

And in case you thought there wasn’t a ton of saving grace in this week’s astrology, check it out: a Venus/Pluto trine, also exact on the day of the eclipse. Even under the somewhat alienating auspices of this Aquarian moon, we’re unlikely to feel completely alone in all of this, because when Venus harmonizes with Pluto, it’s easier to share our shame, fears, and worries with others — and even nudge each other along on the path to rebirth. You might be processing a lot right now, and you might, like the water bearer, need to steal off to the river alone to do so. Just know that there’s a village waiting for you when you get back.

Full Blood Moon Aquarius Lunar Eclipse Currently Cristina.jpg

I still don’t know what my bio could say. I haven’t found anything that can encapsulate it. Maybe I shouldn’t even care that much. But when I’m given the task of trying to succinctly subscribe who I am, I go blank. I don’t know who I am yet. I haven’t figured it out.