Leaving it Blank

Over the last few days, I’ve changed my Instagram bio 4 times. Have you noticed? Of course not. No one would.

I’ve been meditating on the question “Who am I really?” When I meditate on a question, or chew on something, I call it my macro-meditation.

Macro Meditation Who am I really Currently Cristina.jpg

Let’s age ourselves, shall we? In Excel, back in the day, if you wanted to automate tasks, you created something called a macro. When you created a macro, the computer recorded keystrokes and mouse clicks that made your life so much easier because you were working on spreadsheets for 40 hours a week.

Back to my meditation.

In this dwelling place where the computer is my brain and the recorded keystrokes are the answers to the question I am working with.

Who am I really, to uncover that I am a wife. To uncover that I am a mother. To uncover that I am Puerto Rican American. To uncover that I am a friend. To uncover that I am a yogi. To uncover that I am an opera singer. To uncover that I am a tarot reader. To uncover that I am a teacher. To uncover that I am afraid. To uncover that I am insecure. To uncover that I am on and on and on and on…

to then “poof”! Nothing.

What is that? The me behind the me. What is that like?

And I carry this essence created by my macro-meditation beside me like a friend while I go about my day, make meals for my family, pick up prescriptions, go to yoga, study, bake cookies for the kids, and wash dishes, you get the picture.

Where do I go with this essence? Who will understand it? Who can help me nourish it, and care for it? Help it grow? How do I even explain it? Are there others who understand without my trying to put it into words? Wait. Are there others?

Are there others?

There are. They are in communities with other women. Other women who remember the oath their mothers and grandmothers before them made to one another to hold space for the essence. To listen and not judge. To share without fear of withholding the empathy our essence needs. To cry. No. Not just to cry, but to cry without feeling like you have to say sorry. Because you don’t. There are no apologies here, only acceptance, and deep commitment to your life’s path, your essence’s evolution. We need to be cradled in such a way that we can receive healing energy, and not always be the one that gives it.

This idea had been shifting around my consciousness like an etch a sketch shook clean. Last night, I watched a live stream of Guru Jugat give a talk for RA MA TV. Guru Jugat spoke of women in community, and how we need one another because we are created to handle the unique and special energy that we create. There was more to it, obviously, but to say this (totally over simplified and generalized because I’m not watching it again to transcribe it #sorrynotsorry) statement resonated with me, would be an understatement. Watch it. I was belly laughing in bed, good.

Before sitting down at my laptop, I read this (and highly recommend you do the same) from Steph at The Daily Hunch about the Lunar Eclipse in Aquarius and Mercury Retrograde in Leo happening this week:

And in case you thought there wasn’t a ton of saving grace in this week’s astrology, check it out: a Venus/Pluto trine, also exact on the day of the eclipse. Even under the somewhat alienating auspices of this Aquarian moon, we’re unlikely to feel completely alone in all of this, because when Venus harmonizes with Pluto, it’s easier to share our shame, fears, and worries with others — and even nudge each other along on the path to rebirth. You might be processing a lot right now, and you might, like the water bearer, need to steal off to the river alone to do so. Just know that there’s a village waiting for you when you get back.

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I still don’t know what my bio could say. I haven’t found anything that can encapsulate it. Maybe I shouldn’t even care that much. But when I’m given the task of trying to succinctly subscribe who I am, I go blank. I don’t know who I am yet. I haven’t figured it out.

Croning Myself

One of my favorite intuitive tarot readers shared that she contributed to a magazine I hadn’t heard about. Always wanting to know what she has to say, I went to the site and ordered a digital copy of the magazine without batting an eyelash. Well, it turned out that she contributed to the second volume, coming out this week. However, the mistaken download, carried a message that I my soul needed to put into words.

Croning Myself Beethovens Fifth by Pamela Colman Smith Currently Cristina

The magazine I am referring to is Ravenous Zine:

A print journal for wild women developing creative & intuitive prowess while connecting to the earth & moon cycles.

Sounds like it is right up my lunar loving aisle.

The article that grabbed me in my mistaken download and wouldn’t let go was “The Crone” by Claire Everson.

I immediately wondered if there were others out there, like me.

So just what is a Crone?

Derived from the word ‘crown’, the halo of light that represents wisdom, in antiquity a crone was the female keeper of wisdom and magic.

At 40.5 years old (on June 14th but who’s keeping track), I’m living at the “Mother” stage of the Maiden/Mother/Crone evolution, looking towards my wise Crone years. Everson is 35 and feels she is “between two epochs of the female journey.” Not so much Maiden anymore, not a Mother yet, and a while from Crone status. This difference still had me intrigued. I was there once. How does she feel about it?

She was searching for a Crone to speak with to learn more about her life, and found one. She wanted to find a woman who could teach her how to age gracefully in a world where youth is everything. It seemed she was searching for a “what’s it like” perspective, which hey, I would LOVE that too.

I don’t have a Crone in my life to learn from. My mother and I don’t speak for personal safety reasons, and my sweet Grandmother passed over a decade ago. This leaves me no one from whom to gain wisdom about aging gracefully, telling me that dyeing my hair is a waste of time (love my grays), and how you mysteriously find yourself more beautiful as the days go by, but it’s a different kind of beautiful so don’t be scared if you don’t recognize yourself.

It’s something I didn’t know I was missing out on until I read Everson’s article.

I didn’t know that reflecting and making personal (read difficult) decisions about who I am, want, need and believe in was just a part of my Maiden/Mother/Crone evolution. Read this exchange about growing older between Everson and EarthThunder, the 71 year old Crone medicine woman she found living in Idaho:

Everson: As a female, do you think it’s up to us to change the way we’re valued as we get older?

EarthThunder: Yes. Yes, definitely. Whether it’s passion, or it’s work, or it’s education-whatever it is, every individual has the responsibility to declare who she is. It’s not another’s job to remember who you are, it’s your job to help others remember who you are.

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From Tarot of The Sacred Feminine by Floreana Nativo, Franco Rivolli for Lo Scarabeo

Well look at that, I thought? All this time, (for the past couple of years – it started when I began making constellation embroidered hoops of all things!) I’ve been Croning myself. I started a new journey, instead of continuing on the old journey of my former self. I didn’t know. I knew it felt different. I knew it rang truer than anything I have ever experienced. This transofrmation is so deep and profound, it blows my mind every day honestly. I try to journal it all to keep up with all of the a-ha moments, and life downloads, but I really can’t keep up.

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
– “Landslide” Fleetwood Mac

I still feel like I live between Mother and Crone, but my goals are different. It’s not so much about how I am going to make a mark, more so than it is, how I going to live my declaration in an authentically potent and transparent way.

If you would like to get this magazine, head over to their Instagram page and follow, or better yet, pre-order Volume 2.

What lessons have you learned from the Crone’s in your life? Share their wisdom in the comments for all of us.